She Said 'What A Chop?'

The cool breeze flung across my face as I alighted from the auto and grudgingly headed towards the college to attend my class. I was climbing the stairs when I heard a flurry of words said by the speed of the bullet train of Japan. I heard only King Khan speak faster than that.

Almost instinctively I stopped and looked back as a curly haired girl with piercing eyes and a cell phone clutched in her hand joined me on the stair case. We exchanged customary greetings and walked towards the class, taking a quick sip of water on the way.

The setting was a case discussion which neither of us had read. It was an exception that I had not read it and a regulation that she had not read. We sat together consoling each other that the faculty would ask neither.

My bubble of hope was quickly burst when Sir handed me a sub topic to be explained to the class. I tried my best to make her believe that we both have to explain it but she was shrewd enough to see through my bluff.

We both started reading the part and the cycle for case explanations started. I quickly got through my part which was more or less what Sir had expected. Then began the actual fun…………

I started talking to her regarding all the unimportant topics I could get in my head. Though she was listening but was skeptical about Sir’s presence. Once in a while she would try to stop me from talking. But it was more like a formality rather than a compulsion. She too was enjoying herself.

We had already transferred ourselves to the la-la land of thoughts and only our physical bodies were ominous to the happenings of the class. Our flurry of cooings and thoughts were rudely interrupted when Sir suddenly asked her a question. This came as a bolt from the blue for her.

I looked at her from the corner of my eyes desperately trying to stifle my chuckle which could have evolved into a full blown laughter.

She sat beside me dumbfounded as she was totally oblivious to the happening of the class. It would have been the same case for me if Sir would have asked me. But people say I am lucky, she was not so.

She looked into Sir’s eyes with a wistful smile on her face. I am sure she was heavily ‘galli’fying me for her condition. Sir continued to pester her for an answer and by now her face had turned red and her mind was blank. She sat there like a helpless Dumbo. Sir then realized that it was a waste trying to evoke a response from her and turned his attention towards other souls.

Her ordeal was over only for mine to begin.

With harsh ‘gallis’ and harsher anger she trained her guns towards me, holding me responsible for her ‘suffering’. All I could do is sit there and bear whatever she had to say. Though she never meant a word she said but the very expression of her face would have been enough to give horrible nightmares to toddlers.

Of the many ‘glorious phrases’ she said, my mind picked up the phrase,

‘What a chop?’

My mind suddenly went into an overdrive and I couldn’t restrain myself from asking her its meaning.

She was super pissed to take the effort to explain to me its meaning but I kept on thinking what it meant and her nonstop rants were reminiscent of the nonstop bullets of the Maverick gun of Counter Strike.

Even as I type these lines I am still making an effort to decipher what that word literally means and why did she use it in that context.

Finally a word to my friend: No hard feelings Dost because these are those instances which add and make memories to be cherished for a lifetime……………

Unable To Attract Even A Single Girl, Frustrated Man Sues Axe!!!

In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products. No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her.


“Where the f%*@k is the Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his
unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light
or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jethmalani said.


Source:http://www.bangalorexpo.com/news/politics/unable-to-attract-even-a-single-girl-frustrated-man-sues-axe/

An Update On My Second Novel - Blue Bells

Today I had a sumptuous dinner at Wangs - a Chinese restaurant in Bangalore. The restaurant had a good ambience and the food was also good.As I sat down on my laptop typing pages after pages of my second novel - Blue Bells, I got engrossed into the unfolding events in my novels and almost lost touch with the outside world.

I reached an instant while typing the novel, where Suraj - the main protagonist of my novel has a habit of writing blogs. It was then that I realized I had a blog too and it had been a long time ever since I had posted anything on it. I opened my blog to see what was my last post. I felt that I needed to write another post to spice up my visitor clicks. But what do I write remained a big question???

I am literally living with the characters of my novel and all I can think of at this moment is my novel. So I am updating you guys on the latest happening in my novel.

Well... first things first. This novel is set in a Post Graduation College and Blue Bells is the name of the canteen in that college and that also happens to be the name of my novel. It is so because this canteen has a very vital part in my novel. I can say that it is this canteen which actually runs my novel because most of the story unfolds here.

I am currently penning down an intense confrontation scene between Suraj and Pooja. I can't reveal further as it would act as a spoiler. All I can say is that this is one of the most crucial scenes of my novel and my novel takes a different altitude after this scene.

Well, I am having a lot of fun penning down this novel. It is actually making me understand various facets of life in a better manner.

Sorry to end this post in an abrupt manner coz it is very late into the night and I am already feeling sleepy.

Is Barack Obama's Nobel Peace Prize his Anticipatory Bail ???

A couple of days ago as I opened the website rediff.com to check out some movie masala news and I stumbled upon the biggest masala news; 'Barack Obama wins Nobel Peace prize'. My first reaction was WHAT!!! and my jaw dropped. It has not even been a year since he got into the office and now he was a Nobel Prize winner!!!

The world too reacted in no uncertain terms. The reactions ranged from;

'What has he done to merit this?'

'I thought Miss Universe was the only event where people get awarded for making empty speeches about world peace.' (This reaction takes the cake as the best reaction)

Now the question is what made the Nobel Prize committee which sits in the comfortable environs of Norway decide on the Peace Prize for Barack obama????

Considering that USA is waging many battles in the world, building missile systems in Europe against Russia, trying to intimidate China indirectly etc.......So how does the PEACE come into picture for its President????

The only feasible answer that seems to emerge is that now that Mr. Obama has been conferred the top honour, he has got to live upto it. Now he has an additional responsibility to make sure that the world is a safe and 'PEACE'ful place to live in.

Mr. Obama will begin feeling the heat as the entire world has once again turned their focus on everything that Mr. Obama does. He will now understand what it takes to be a PEACE awardee. One wrong step and people will accuse him of 'buying' the Peace award (if they already havn't).

Now with great 'PEACE' comes great responsibility and it would be interesting to see how Mr. Obama will conduct himself. Mr. Obama himself acknowledged this when he said on Friday, upon accepting the award, "The Nobel Peace Prize has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes."

The first step that Mr. Obama would be considering to justify his 'PEACE' award is to mend USA's relations with the international community. He can start off by not pestering India to sign the NPT. My argument is how can a country with arguably the largest nuclear arsenal in the world ask other nations to engage in disarmament of its nuclear arsenal???

So all my thoughts converge to a common platform that the Nobel Awards Committee played its trump card by conferring 'PEACE' prize to Barack Obama. Coz now his PEACE prize will act as his anticipatory bail and he would be forced not to take any foolish steps that would hamper world peace. Now before any foreign policy that Mr. Obama mulls on, the PEACE prize would invariably play on his mind.

But one question stills lingers in mind; 'Did Barack Obama win the Nobel PEACE Prize for being Barack Obama or for NOT being George Bush???'

The era of Michael Schumacher can never be replicated in Formula 1!!!!!

If I have to describe the Michael Schumacher era in one word, it has to be 'BRUTAL DOMINATION'. His unsatiated hunger for victory speaks about his potentially invincible stature.

I have just watched the qualifying of the Monza GP in which Force India again made it to the front row. Their podium at the Belgium GP was an indicator of what was in store for the nascent F1 team.

But the question which comes to my mind is whether F1 has lost a single person who wins majority of the races in a calendar year???? This year we had many winners in the form of Rubens Barrichello, Jenson Button, Mark Webber, Sebastian Vettel, Lewis Hamilton and Kimi Raikkonnen. 3-4 years down the line, this kind of scenario would have been impossible.

There was only one victor and that was Michael Schumacher in almost all the races. The races in which he could not win would merely be because of a fault in his car or the rare mistake that he would have committed. But he was accused of making Formula 1 boring. I strongly disagree!!!

When Schumacher was racing, my only motive to watch F1 was to see Schumacher winning. But now after Schumacher walked into the sunset, there is no clear dominator in the F1 circuit. Now some people will vouch that F1 has become more intersting now because the winner cannot be predicted.

I again disagree because now there is no consistency in the racing patterns. Jenson Button wins one race and the next race he cannot even make the Q3. Same is the case with Lewis Hamilton. This kind of a scenario leaves you completely fuming and frustrated.

Atleast when Schumacher was around we were able to see consistent racing atleast from one driver. But that scenario has now become a distant memory. I still remember the US GP of 2003 when Schumacher spun and qualified in the 14th position. The racers of today would have given up hope and settled by targeting for points. I still remember Schumacher telling the TV cameras that despite starting from the 14th position he would still be aiming for victory.

As King Khan said in his movie Om Shanti Om; 'Kisi bhi cheez ko dil se chaho toh poori kainaath use tumse milane ki koshish me lag jaati hai'

This is exactly what happened with Schumacher. 20 minutes into the race and it started raining heavily and Schumacher is hailed as the KING OF WET RACES. No body has ever graced the Formula 1 circuit who would even dare to think of defeating Schumacher in a wet race. And as he had said he won the race despite starting from the 14th position.

That was the kind of hunger Schumacher had for victory which is missing in the PLASTIC drivers now-a-days. All they care is strategy, strategy and strategy. The passion for racing and for victory that Schumacher championed for is now missing.

As Schumacher walked into the sunset, he has taken away with him the zing which the Formula 1 racing used to be known for. It appears to me that you pick any Tom, Dick and Harry and put him in the F1 car and he can also win. This is the extent of the depreciation of the F1 standards.

Michael Schumacher or 'Schumi' as he was lovingly called will surely be missed in F1 in the years and decades to come and had it not been for Michael Schumacher, the sport called Formula 1 would have been as obscure as the NASCAR racing.

It is not that Formula 1 made Michael Schumacher, it is just that MICHAEL SCHUMACHER made Formula 1.

Has MTV Lost It???

I am watching MTV as I write this post and it is playing the song Khudaya Khair from King Khan's film Billu and I must admit that I was pleasantly surprised.

It was because in the recent times MTV had gone back on its main objective of being a music channel which it had initially intended to be. In the recent past I have noticed that MTV has begun concentrating more on the reality shows rather than showing music videos.

It does show music videos but it is peppered between the reality shows. Agreed that it was a reality show 'MTV Roadies' that skyrocketed the TRPs of MTV but now I feel that they are overdoing it.

There is a mushrooming of nonsensical reality shows on MTV of which Splitsville takes the cherry of being the worst show ever on TV. There is absolutely no objective in running that crap show.

What I as a television watcher want is entertainment and what do I get in knowing who is having an affair with whom and Splitsville is all about this nonsense.

With the emerging threat from other music channels like ZOOM TV and other local music channels eating into the market share of MTV, MTV has to do drastically different and fast to be able to retain its viewers from defecting to other music channels.

But is anybody listening?????

First Look: My Name Is KHAN

Hold your breath folks !!! Coz you have just seen a glimpse of a cyclone.

A cyclone in waiting to shatter away everything in its way.

A cyclone that will rewrite history.

A cyclone that will rip apart all notions.

A cyclone that is 'In Your Face' flick.

A cyclone that stars THE KING.

A cyclone called 'MY NAME IS KHAN'.

My Name Is Khan stars the unbeatable Jodi of King Khan and Kajol. It is being directed by Karan Johar. It has been purchased by Fox Studios (the same studios which distributed Slumdog Millionaire worldwide) for an astounding 98 crores - the highest ever in the history of Indian Cinema.

Fox plans to release My Name Is Khan at an earth shattering 18000 screens worldwide. Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince released at 15900 screens. The reason being that they are happy with the way it has shaped up and to add to it, the mesmerizing presence of THE KING.

My Name Is Khan is slated to release on 22 January 2010, targeting the Republic Day week.

The tremors of My Name Is Khan have already been felt. Rakesh Roshan's Kites which stars Hrithik Roshan and Rajkumar Hirani's 3 Idiots starring Aamir Khan have postponed their respective films. Both of which were initially scheduled to release of 15th and 22nd January respectively.

The wait for My Name Is Khan begins..........